The sun is looking at me

'Living life in the here and now'. I admit this statement gave me the creeps for quite some time. 'If it were that easy, there would not be any problems anymore' I would often think. And then I would put the idea aside being 'too simple'. However, since I have made strategy four of the Virtues Project, ‘Honor the Spirit’, the central point of my life, I have started to think substantially differently about this.

At the beginning of last year I resolved to make more time for this strategy. A deliberate choice, initially meant to have more attention and care for myself. But apart from that the thought behind it was that if you take good care of yourself, it will benefit other people as well. I have been taking care of our little girl on a full-time basis for almost four years now. A period in which I have intensely enjoyed spending time with her, but in which I have also felt desperate every now and again, to the point of feeling discontented. Not least because I felt I was disregarding myself or, put more accurately, was losing touch with myself. By being so close with Amber the past years, there have been very few moments for myself.

Accumulation

Little by little I was itching to take up work outside the home. I became general editor of a knitting,  crochet and embroidery magazine and set up my own business 'Hartewensen'. In the meantime my mother got seriously ill and I also wanted to have time to be there for her and my father. All in all there was so much on my plate now that I felt completely knackered at the end of each day. You could almost say that it was sheer necessity to declare strategy four my resolution for this new year. But there is more. As a young child, it was often silent in my head. A silence that confused me at the time, made me insecure, but that has gradually made me realize that it is something beautiful that I want to come into contact with again. In fact, this silence in my head was nothing more than being in the here and now. More than anybody else children know how to live life in the here and now. As we get older, we tend to lose this gift only too often. 

Blinking through the clouds

In the past month I have experienced that taking time for rest, reflection and contemplation brings me a lot of satisfaction. Instead of reacting on the spot, I am mostly engaged in registering what I experience and feel. And if I notice that I can't let go of something in my head, I look for other ways to release these thoughts: by means of drawing, writing, just sitting down quietly or going outside. The answers and solutions most often present themselves or it comes home to me that I simply cannot or do not want to influence something. I once sat down with Amber in the garden, for instance, because there was a 'storm in my head'. While we were sitting there and a few sunbeams were warming us, Amber said 'the sun is looking at me'. For her this was the literal translation of what she was experiencing at that moment. I let the words sink in and noticed that they got a completely different meaning for me. There was something comforting about them, as if there is somebody, somewhere, watching over me, and says, blinking through the clouds: 'it is ok, have faith in yourself and the path you take'. I looked around me and noticed the beauty of nature, so nearby. A single rose that didn't cease to bloom, even though winter had arrived; the hips on the rose bushes; clouds as cotton pads that slowly drifted past... Little by little it became quieter in my head and heart. 'Once we calm down in the now, we start seeing the beauty and wonders of this moment', I read this morning in the book 'Attention is like sunshine' by Thich Nhat Hanh.

Solidarity

The interpretation of strategy four is different for everybody. My husband, for instance, has found a way to create a meditative moment while driving home from work. The radio is off, he consciously makes contact with the steering wheel and the chair and keeps on driving slowly on the right lane. A whole new experience for him, but one that brings him a lot of satisfaction. Once home, he is detached from his work and pays attention to us as a family. You can also focus on this strategy as a family, class, team or organization by doing collective activities that inspire, generate new energy, lead to more depth of understanding and create solidarity.

'Living life in the here and now.' Seven separate, simple words that carry a beautiful treasure collectively: commitment with yourself, others and the world around you.

Author: Heleen Hoppesteyn-Uithoven, www.hartewensen.com
Illustrator: Pascale Guillou, https://www.facebook.com/PascaleGuillouIllustrationGraphicDesign
Translator: Hester Wisselink, https://www.facebook.com/hester.wisselink?fref=ts

The Virtues Project: www.virtuesproject.com

Het Deugdenproject (Dutch): www.deugdenproject.nl

The family as a safe living and learning environment

 

Raising children is comparable to planting seeds in full soil. With good care, attention, love and a great deal of patience every seed will grow into a unique plant. Providing a safe and secure living and learning environment is crucial for children to be able to develop in the best possible way. In this process basic rules for the family can play an essential role.

On the way to our holiday destination last summer I read some passages to my husband Peter from ‘Het grote deugdenboek voor ouders en kinderen’ ('The family virtues guide') about setting some basic rules for the family. In this book Linda Kavelin Popov writes, among other things: 'Children crave for clear boundaries. [...] Setting some basic rules for the family is one of the best ways to set clear boundaries. […] These should be a reflection of the family's vision and mission, of the objectives that form your identity as a family and which act as your guiding principle. […] An easy way to find out about your vision is to have a look at the list of virtues in this book. […] Setting some basic rules for the family may be the most important measure to take to give children a sense of spiritual and physical security.' As I was reading, Peter and I got into a conversation about how we would like to communicate as a family and we arrived at a provisional formulation of our vision, which was as follows: 'We strive to be a harmonious family with ample room for the individuality of each member and in which we communicate respectfully with each other.'

Once arrived at the campsite our attention was drawn to other things, splashing around in the lake, going on trips, and just lazing around. When we came home again all the holiday gear needed to be cleared away, after which the daily routine of working and caring was soon to be resumed. The basic rules disappeared into the background... Until they popped up in our conversations some time ago, because of situations with Amber which really challenged us. Her fierce resistance in the evening at bedtime, the regularity at which stuff breaks in her little hands, the intense frustration when things do not go the way she wants them to and her tendency to start hitting when she sets  her face against something.

Dilemmas in raising children

The virtues are an anchor to me, I can always refer to them. At the same time I sometimes catch myself thinking desperately: 'Why can't I manage it?' and 'How on earth is it possible that I can't seem to reach my child?' Thoughts which I think are recognizable for many parents, in which the phrase 'on earth' is significant. It indicates that we actually immediately expect our efforts to achieve results, but this process is not that linear. Moreover, we pass judgment on ourselves, because we really think that raising children is something we are supposed to be able to do naturally. Admitting we find (some aspects in) raising children tricky, is not always easy. And if you are honest about it, you are only too often showered with unasked for advice. However well-meant, as a (new) parent you want to have the space to do it your way and discover what approach suits you best.

Setting some basic rules for the family is a valuable way to give a personal interpretation to how you strive to communicate within your family. As far as I am concerned, the power of this not only lies in the actual rules. It is only by discussing this that the sense of solidarity is strengthened. In the book 'Raising children with the virtues' a clear overview is given which basic rules should comply with. In short, it boils down to the fact that the basic rules should be simple, clear, measurable and perceptible. Another important aspect is that they should be positively formulated and agreed with by all the family members.

Our unique basic rules

With these points of interest at the back of our minds we first decided on choosing those virtues that are the central point in our family: respect, gentleness, orderliness, assertiveness and peacefulness. After that we sat down to further elaborate on these and came to the following translation.

Respect

- We give each other the space we need

- We acknowledge each other's differences

Gentleness

- We treat each other kindly

- We are gentle with each other's things and leave everything intact

- We talk to each other in a friendly manner

Orderliness

- After playing, working and doing chores we clear up our own stuff as much as possible

- Together we make sure that our house remains tidy and clean

Assertiveness

- We tell each other in a friendly manner what we need

- We ask each other for help when we need each other or when we can do something for each other

Peacefulness

- When we are angry, we make an effort to demonstrate self-control with regard to tone and deed

- Whenever there is disagreement, we strive to come to a peaceful solution, in the process of which we give each other the space to tell our story

Once basic rules have been set they will need to be complied with consistently. The Virtues Project gives useful tips on how to do this, which I will write about in one of my next blogs.

A warm nest

Does the above mean that from now on everything is running smoothly at our place? It is not that simple; children always test the boundaries and see how far they can go. But with these rules we have given ourselves a handle, which we can always come back to. For instance, I refer to them in my conversations with Amber. At moments when I see her frustration when she can't manage to do something, I affectionately draw her attention to the virtue of assertiveness. 'What do you do when you can't manage to do something?' I ask her then. 'Find help', she usually answers, after which she also literally comes to me to ask for help. In this way, the rules contribute to clarity, rest and harmony in our family and that is exactly what we were looking for. Pascale Guillou has depicted that beautifully in the illustrations with this blog. The harmony is expressed in the warm nest that both parents and child make up and the yin yang principle that can be found in it. The circle forms a safe and comfortable basis for the child that is in the middle, with the virtues as boundaries. The whole picture forms a beautiful, round unity.

Author: Heleen Hoppesteyn-Uithoven, www.hartewensen.com
Illustrator: Pascale Guillou, https://www.facebook.com/PascaleGuillouIllustrationGraphicDesign
Translator: Hester Wisselink, https://www.facebook.com/hester.wisselink?fref=ts

The Virtues Project: www.virtuesproject.com

Het Deugdenproject (Dutch): www.deugdenproject.nl

Speaking the language of virtues with children

- As a facilitator in the Netherlands I have dedicated myself to spreading the great body of thought of the Virtues Project for over a year now. I do this, among other things, by writing a blog regularly. I am lucky to be working together with a talented illustrator, Pascale and a dear old friend, Hester. She translates my blogs into English and I am very grateful to her for that. Every now and then I intend to put my blogs on this blog. My first contribution is about speaking the language of virtues with children! -

SPEAKING THE LANGUAGE OF VIRTUES WITH CHILDREN

Speaking the language of virtues with children. Some adults are immediately enthusiastic about it. Others, however, feel (a bit) awkward at first. The latter often arises from the fact that some virtues have a complicated name, even for adults, like humility and detachment. Another reason could be that virtues may bring to mind certain associations, such as 'old-fashioned', 'strict' and 'rigid'.

For those of you who recognize themselves in this description, I will give you heart right now. Once you have overcome the first hurdle, you will experience the fun of speaking the language of virtues with your children. And when you suddenly hear your child say a virtue, there is a good chance of catching yourself smiling from ear to ear and glowing with pride and satisfaction inside.

But overcoming that hurdle, just how do you do that? In fact, the solution is very simple. Start looking for words that you feel comfortable with, or that are easy to understand for your child, depending on their age. I am all for avoiding big and complex words and expressing the message as simply as possible. Even for adults, but that's a different story...

I will exemplify it. Some time ago I sat down with Amber, three-and-a-half years old, to discuss the meaning of 'gentleness'. The reason for that was that she is not always gentle with things. Post is being ripped to shreds or crushed, necklaces are being pulled to pieces, and dolls suddenly appear to be missing a leg. Not to mention the cat, which is having a hard time when Amber is pulling its tail or is lying on top of it. Or the volume of her voice when she is expressing her opinion loudly to us. 'Shall I read to you what's on this card?' I asked her, which she thought was very interesting. Children often like being involved in things and being allowed to join in a conversation. While tilting her head and nodding wisely, she sometimes repeated some words that I was reading to her. Then I explained to her that gentleness means that she should leave things intact and be sweet to Tibbe the cat. Also, there is no need to raise her voice or shout when she wants to tell us something. She understood very well what I meant and asked me to read the card to her again. Since that moment this virtue has been mentioned casually in our conversations.

That is how she is continually learning new virtues, which encourages me to look for the right names, together with her. 'Perseverance' was translated by us as 'keep going'. Yet, a rather complicated word like 'concentrate' seems very clear to her somehow. We have taken up cycling recently; she on her pink/blue bike with stabilizers and I next to her on my own bike. This requires a great deal of 'attention' and 'concentration' on either part and 'keep going'. The other day I praised her for riding so well. 'Concentrate!' she screamed triumphantly, while the tip of her tongue was just not sticking out with effort. Valuable moments to me, especially since I notice that she also enjoys describing her own behaviour.

The above shows that virtues are fun and easily applicable in the everyday things of life of you and your child(ren). And particularly when your children are a bit older, you can more actively involve them in this process by asking what a certain virtue means to them. Children, regardless of their age, like being listened to and appreciate you being open to their ideas.

Author: Heleen Hoppesteyn-Uithoven, www.hartewensen.com
Illustrator: Pascale Guillou, https://www.facebook.com/PascaleGuillouIllustrationGraphicDesign
Translator: Hester Wisselink, https://www.facebook.com/hester.wisselink?fref=ts

The Virtues Project: www.virtuesproject.com

Het Deugdenproject (Dutch): www.deugdenproject.nl