Raising children is comparable to
planting seeds in full soil. With good care, attention, love and a great deal
of patience every seed will grow into a unique plant. Providing a safe and secure
living and learning environment is crucial for children to be able to develop
in the best possible way. In this process basic rules for the family can play
an essential role.
On the way to our holiday destination last
summer I read some passages to my husband Peter from ‘Het grote deugdenboek voor ouders en
kinderen’ ('The family virtues guide') about
setting some basic rules for the family. In this book Linda Kavelin Popov
writes, among other things: 'Children crave for clear boundaries. [...] Setting
some basic rules for the family is one of the best ways to set clear boundaries.
[…] These should be a reflection of the family's vision and mission, of the
objectives that form your identity as a family and which act as your guiding
principle. […] An easy way to find out about your vision is to have a look at
the list of virtues in this book. […] Setting some basic rules for the family
may be the most important measure to take to give children a sense of spiritual
and physical security.' As I was reading, Peter and I got into a conversation
about how we would like to communicate as a family and we arrived at a provisional
formulation of our vision, which was as follows: 'We strive to be a harmonious
family with ample room for the individuality of each member and in which we
communicate respectfully with each other.'
Once arrived at the campsite our attention
was drawn to other things, splashing around in the lake, going on trips, and just
lazing around. When we came home again all the holiday gear needed to be
cleared away, after which the daily routine of working and caring was soon to
be resumed. The basic rules disappeared into the background... Until they
popped up in our conversations some time ago, because of situations with Amber
which really challenged us. Her fierce resistance in the evening at bedtime,
the regularity at which stuff breaks in her little hands, the intense
frustration when things do not go the way she wants them to and her tendency to
start hitting when she sets her
face against something.
Dilemmas in raising children
The virtues are an anchor to me, I can
always refer to them. At the same time I sometimes catch myself thinking
desperately: 'Why can't I manage it?' and 'How on earth is it possible that I
can't seem to reach my child?' Thoughts which I think are recognizable for many
parents, in which the phrase 'on earth' is significant. It indicates that we
actually immediately expect our efforts to achieve results, but this process is
not that linear. Moreover, we pass judgment on ourselves, because we really
think that raising children is something we are supposed to be able to do
naturally. Admitting we find (some aspects in) raising children tricky, is not
always easy. And if you are honest about it, you are only too often showered
with unasked for advice. However well-meant, as a (new) parent you want to have
the space to do it your way and discover what approach suits you best.
Setting some basic rules for the family is
a valuable way to give a personal interpretation to how you strive to
communicate within your family. As far as I am concerned, the power of this not
only lies in the actual rules. It is only by discussing this that the sense of
solidarity is strengthened. In the book 'Raising children with the virtues' a clear overview is given which basic rules should comply with. In
short, it boils down to the fact that the basic rules should be simple, clear,
measurable and perceptible. Another important aspect is that they should be
positively formulated and agreed with by all the family members.
Our unique basic rules
With these points of interest at the back
of our minds we first decided on choosing those virtues that are the central
point in our family: respect, gentleness, orderliness, assertiveness and peacefulness.
After that we sat down to further elaborate on these and came to the following
translation.
Respect
- We give each other the space we need
- We acknowledge each other's differences
Gentleness
- We treat each other kindly
- We are gentle with each other's things
and leave everything intact
- We talk to each other in a friendly
manner
Orderliness
- After playing, working and doing chores
we clear up our own stuff as much as possible
- Together we make sure that our house
remains tidy and clean
Assertiveness
- We tell each other in a friendly manner
what we need
- We ask each other for help when we need
each other or when we can do something for each other
Peacefulness
- When we are angry, we make an effort to
demonstrate self-control with regard to tone and deed
- Whenever there is disagreement, we strive
to come to a peaceful solution, in the process of which we give each other the
space to tell our story
Once basic rules have been set they will
need to be complied with consistently. The Virtues Project gives useful tips on
how to do this, which I will write about in one of my next blogs.
A warm nest
Does the above mean that from now on
everything is running smoothly at our place? It is not that simple; children
always test the boundaries and see how far they can go. But with these rules we
have given ourselves a handle, which we can always come back to. For instance,
I refer to them in my conversations with Amber. At moments when I see her
frustration when she can't manage to do something, I affectionately draw her
attention to the virtue of assertiveness. 'What do you do when you can't manage
to do something?' I ask her then. 'Find help', she usually answers, after which
she also literally comes to me to ask for help. In this way, the rules
contribute to clarity, rest and harmony in our family and that is exactly what
we were looking for. Pascale Guillou has depicted that beautifully in the
illustrations with this blog. The harmony is expressed in the warm nest that
both parents and child make up and the yin yang principle that can be found in
it. The circle forms a safe and comfortable basis for the child that is in the
middle, with the virtues as boundaries. The whole picture forms a beautiful,
round unity.
Author:
Heleen Hoppesteyn-Uithoven, www.hartewensen.com
Illustrator: Pascale Guillou, https://www.facebook.com/PascaleGuillouIllustrationGraphicDesign
Translator: Hester Wisselink, https://www.facebook.com/hester.wisselink?fref=ts
Illustrator: Pascale Guillou, https://www.facebook.com/PascaleGuillouIllustrationGraphicDesign
Translator: Hester Wisselink, https://www.facebook.com/hester.wisselink?fref=ts
The Virtues Project: www.virtuesproject.com
Het Deugdenproject (Dutch): www.deugdenproject.nl
