The family as a safe living and learning environment

 

Raising children is comparable to planting seeds in full soil. With good care, attention, love and a great deal of patience every seed will grow into a unique plant. Providing a safe and secure living and learning environment is crucial for children to be able to develop in the best possible way. In this process basic rules for the family can play an essential role.

On the way to our holiday destination last summer I read some passages to my husband Peter from ‘Het grote deugdenboek voor ouders en kinderen’ ('The family virtues guide') about setting some basic rules for the family. In this book Linda Kavelin Popov writes, among other things: 'Children crave for clear boundaries. [...] Setting some basic rules for the family is one of the best ways to set clear boundaries. […] These should be a reflection of the family's vision and mission, of the objectives that form your identity as a family and which act as your guiding principle. […] An easy way to find out about your vision is to have a look at the list of virtues in this book. […] Setting some basic rules for the family may be the most important measure to take to give children a sense of spiritual and physical security.' As I was reading, Peter and I got into a conversation about how we would like to communicate as a family and we arrived at a provisional formulation of our vision, which was as follows: 'We strive to be a harmonious family with ample room for the individuality of each member and in which we communicate respectfully with each other.'

Once arrived at the campsite our attention was drawn to other things, splashing around in the lake, going on trips, and just lazing around. When we came home again all the holiday gear needed to be cleared away, after which the daily routine of working and caring was soon to be resumed. The basic rules disappeared into the background... Until they popped up in our conversations some time ago, because of situations with Amber which really challenged us. Her fierce resistance in the evening at bedtime, the regularity at which stuff breaks in her little hands, the intense frustration when things do not go the way she wants them to and her tendency to start hitting when she sets  her face against something.

Dilemmas in raising children

The virtues are an anchor to me, I can always refer to them. At the same time I sometimes catch myself thinking desperately: 'Why can't I manage it?' and 'How on earth is it possible that I can't seem to reach my child?' Thoughts which I think are recognizable for many parents, in which the phrase 'on earth' is significant. It indicates that we actually immediately expect our efforts to achieve results, but this process is not that linear. Moreover, we pass judgment on ourselves, because we really think that raising children is something we are supposed to be able to do naturally. Admitting we find (some aspects in) raising children tricky, is not always easy. And if you are honest about it, you are only too often showered with unasked for advice. However well-meant, as a (new) parent you want to have the space to do it your way and discover what approach suits you best.

Setting some basic rules for the family is a valuable way to give a personal interpretation to how you strive to communicate within your family. As far as I am concerned, the power of this not only lies in the actual rules. It is only by discussing this that the sense of solidarity is strengthened. In the book 'Raising children with the virtues' a clear overview is given which basic rules should comply with. In short, it boils down to the fact that the basic rules should be simple, clear, measurable and perceptible. Another important aspect is that they should be positively formulated and agreed with by all the family members.

Our unique basic rules

With these points of interest at the back of our minds we first decided on choosing those virtues that are the central point in our family: respect, gentleness, orderliness, assertiveness and peacefulness. After that we sat down to further elaborate on these and came to the following translation.

Respect

- We give each other the space we need

- We acknowledge each other's differences

Gentleness

- We treat each other kindly

- We are gentle with each other's things and leave everything intact

- We talk to each other in a friendly manner

Orderliness

- After playing, working and doing chores we clear up our own stuff as much as possible

- Together we make sure that our house remains tidy and clean

Assertiveness

- We tell each other in a friendly manner what we need

- We ask each other for help when we need each other or when we can do something for each other

Peacefulness

- When we are angry, we make an effort to demonstrate self-control with regard to tone and deed

- Whenever there is disagreement, we strive to come to a peaceful solution, in the process of which we give each other the space to tell our story

Once basic rules have been set they will need to be complied with consistently. The Virtues Project gives useful tips on how to do this, which I will write about in one of my next blogs.

A warm nest

Does the above mean that from now on everything is running smoothly at our place? It is not that simple; children always test the boundaries and see how far they can go. But with these rules we have given ourselves a handle, which we can always come back to. For instance, I refer to them in my conversations with Amber. At moments when I see her frustration when she can't manage to do something, I affectionately draw her attention to the virtue of assertiveness. 'What do you do when you can't manage to do something?' I ask her then. 'Find help', she usually answers, after which she also literally comes to me to ask for help. In this way, the rules contribute to clarity, rest and harmony in our family and that is exactly what we were looking for. Pascale Guillou has depicted that beautifully in the illustrations with this blog. The harmony is expressed in the warm nest that both parents and child make up and the yin yang principle that can be found in it. The circle forms a safe and comfortable basis for the child that is in the middle, with the virtues as boundaries. The whole picture forms a beautiful, round unity.

Author: Heleen Hoppesteyn-Uithoven, www.hartewensen.com
Illustrator: Pascale Guillou, https://www.facebook.com/PascaleGuillouIllustrationGraphicDesign
Translator: Hester Wisselink, https://www.facebook.com/hester.wisselink?fref=ts

The Virtues Project: www.virtuesproject.com

Het Deugdenproject (Dutch): www.deugdenproject.nl